Friendship in Marriage

This week in my marriage class I have started reading the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman. If you have never read it I highly recommend it. While my husband and I aren’t having marital problems, in the three intro chapters alone I have found plenty of things I can start working on to keep us from slipping into a major problem.

One thing that he mentioned several times was how important it is for husband and wife to be friends. It helps quirks not be so annoying, fights “repairing” before they get to out of hand, and the past from being rewritten negatively. I have seen this all first-hand in my own marriage.

When my husband and I got married we were great friends. We had all the time in the world to spend together, and we in many ways didn’t have many grown up stresses to fight over. Cut to a mortgage, me quitting my job to be a stay at home mom, and a spunky first baby and things changed. We spent less and less time together and when we did it wasn’t doing anything fun. The first year of my daughter’s life we went out alone maybe 5 times. Looking back I don’t think at the time I realized it was the lose of friendship that was the problem, but it was. While I still loved him we had really lost some of that closeness and the protection our relationship has from being friends. Luckily we have since course corrected and now make a real effort to spend time alone at least twice a month.

It may be important to note that friendship can mean a lot of different things for different people. For me a good friend is someone I can laugh with and be myself with without fear of judgement or criticism. Someone who knows if I've been having a rough day and say I'm fine I don't mean it. Someone who will do insane DIY projects with me. They will know little things about me, like I like ranch and mayo on my sandwiches or I don't like driving in the car without talking to someone on the phone. Someone who doesn't mind that I talk during movies making predictions and am usually right and ruin the movie for them. They are someone who knows what's important to me and makes that important to them as well. 

I believe like Gottman says, “marriages are based on a deep friendship. Next month is our 6^th wedding anniversary, and I am happy to say we are better friends and more in love than ever.

Scrapping popcorn = true friendship

Kitchen remodel from 2014

Best friend

I really like the suggestions Sister Burton gave in her talk  "We'll Ascend Together". I think they would be a way to be a friend to  spouse. I know they are all things I can work on in my marriage. 

1. When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?
2. When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?
3. When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?
4. When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?
5. When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?

Maybe pick one of her suggestions and work on it this week.